Oct 5, 2011

7.4. Anonymous 4

because you're big now

that means I can't hold you anymore upside-down forever.

that means you know about all the buttons the world wants you to press, and in what order.

that means your heart will start hurting after every meal. and after every year.

that means the sun reflecting in the grass when you go outside will become less and less intense.

you will also go outside less and less.

outside will become more like a place in between things.

you go through going somewhere else.

instead of looking at things directly you will learn to glance.

because it's too intense.

because you're big now.

you must find your own somewhere else.

to glance is to pretend you're not looking when you are looking.

I will be what you go through.

you will stop saying “look at me” in that way and find other ways to say it.

sometimes those other ways are not so good.

a not so good way of saying “look at me” is to start a big war and kill lots of people.

so try to find good ways to say it.

look at me” will no longer work, you'll just look like an idiot.

because you're big now.

balloons will become increasingly less fun but pop less often.

and nothing will ever even out.

if everyone cried every time a balloon popped there would be peace on earth.

that would be a good way of saying “look at me”.

a glance inside a glance is what we're doing now so pay attention. it's very hypothetical.

at best, the balloon will become a metaphor before it disappears from your birthday party and into that big blue sky because someone couldn't hold on.

the balloon means nothing.

and in some strange way that means that love is possible.

don't ask.

love is possible because failure will be less instantaneous.

remember that time we went to the doctor and we held you down and made you scream bloody murder.

that's not love.

because you're big now. it will linger.

that does not mean you will stop crying.

crying is seeing those failures and accepting them, which is a good thing.

don't stop crying.

that means instead of holding you upside-down forever I will say that I am proud of you and “good job” when we meet at random dinner parties.

just use the napkin over there when you feel the crying coming on. wipe your mouth.

that means you will have both feet on the ground.

that means you know you can't fly and you start to stop trying.

that means you know you can't cry and you cry anyway.

that means soon you will be able to wear the same pair of shoes for the rest of your life.

but shoes is not the answer.

that means you will want to buy lots of shoes to make life seem longer.

because you're big now.

but that is only your psychology talking.

sometimes life is over before we get the right glance angle right. there are just too many possible glances.

pick one.

if you zoom in you will see that it says “if you had just looked”.

that means instead of running around in a circle and then suddenly fall down laughing you will start making conversations.

conversations is the agreement that we both look stupid but lets agree not to tell on each other.

lets agree not to tell on each other.

I can still hold you upside-down but not forever, for a little while.

because you're big now.

because love is only so strong.

because when love becomes a mountain it will no longer move no matter how much you feel. no matter how many balloons you attach to it it will not move.

and when you try to talk some sense into it it will only throw rocks at you and say “just go away”.

and someone will have to stop holding on.

because love is the heaviest little engine that drives nothing.

and that is all.

because you're big now.

you must aim to be a good person.

remember. a good person is someone who says “look at me” in a good way.

knowing not everyone will look.

knowing that that heavy heaviness will never go away.

knowing but doing it anyway.

I will look.


I keep coughing things up

and this single bar-stool is all the time travel we will ever need.

When I spin it becomes clear that we are all “one”.

When I spin the stupid in me becomes the stupid in you.

Hey stupid.

I keep saying things that might hurt you

and call it honesty. That's not right.

Like people that keeps driving over the dead raccoon in the road

in order to prove something. Like keep picking

at a scab that's not even there. Like

gasoline on the driveway. Like

setting shit on fire.

Tomorrow we will all know what we mean.

Hey beautiful.

We took the dirt road to Granada

and watched the last matador in the world

watch the last bull in the world die of natural causes.

Anonymous regrets having wrestled you to the ground once and calling you a stupid liar.

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